A possible Farewell?

This blog had been dead for so long, I don’t think that it’s possible for me to revive it. In all honesty, if I accomplish this, it would once again fall into obscurity anyhow. Regardless, I’ll post something so that it isn’t wasting useful space on the internet.

I’ve never felt so obligated to post something, and this feeling wont go away until I do. Even if it is my last post.

I’ve lived this entire summer on the two sides of a mirror, able to look at myself and the people that I know. The ones I love, I remembered why I love them. And then at times I questioned why I loved them, knowing that I had no choice in it either way. No matter how annoyed they get with me, or vice versa, it will always be the same. I have to remind myself this as I prepare to confess a devastating truth to them.

In reality, it isn’t all that bad, and for personal reasons I won’t list it here. It made me question my sanity, but now I’ve learned to heavily question the sanity of those around me. My conclusion is that we’re all insane according to some touchstone, some standard that we separately follow. I to you, and you to me. But that is okay. It is fine. I don’t love any less, and neither should you.

All of this to say that my dilemma is not the truth itself. My dilemma is how to present it. It is not something that is easily said over dinner, nor something that can be told in passing. It’s one of those things when the time is never right and the people are never ready for it. Not even me. Yet it seems the longer it remains secret, the bigger ripple it will cause through the world. And with a bigger ripple, the length of time also forms a heavy silence within me. The only way is to let it out, let it pass, and hopefully move on. With that, I bid a possible farewell. At least for a long time until my return. At this moment I don’t really know.

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List of Fours

Well, I never thought it would be so difficult to blog every other day, but man things really get hectic.

Anway,

I was tagged to do this really cool thingy, so here it goes. I didn’t realize that you were supposed to copy a paste, sooooo I made up questions. Too much work to redo it. 🙂

4 bands I love:

Pinback

The Klaxons

The Dears

Kaiser Chiefs

4 countries I want to visit:

Italy

Spain

Guatemala

India

4 people I would like to meet (dead and alive):

Barbara Stanwick

Marlon Brando

Hayden Christensen

Kate Winslet

4 books I’ve read recently (and liked):

A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess

Invisible Cities by Italo Calvino

Beloved by Toni Morrison

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

4 Old Movies I love:

Gilda (1946)

The Lady Eve (1941)

High Society (1956)

A streetcar named desire (1951)

4 Religions That I somehow connect with:

Islam

Judaism

Hinduism

Buddhism

(if i could add more I would)

4 majors I’m considering:

Linguistics

Art History

Creative Writing

Social Sciences (Archeology)

4 common scenarios of LIFE that I love:

No school

thunderstorms (the kind when the sky gets really dark in daytime)

Sneaking Out

Making S’mores

4 Favorite Foods:

Veggie Burgers

Alfredo Pasta

Chocolate Chip Cookies (warm with soy or regular milk)

Cheese Enchiladas

4 places I’d rather be at this moment:

On a beach with a bonfire (making s’mores)

At a bookstore with unlimited shopping money

A fancy restaurant (that’s not in America) sipping a glass of wine

Strolling in the rain with a significant other

Why Prom?

I am very seriously considering the possibility of not going to Prom. I see no point in it. If it’s just like an ordinary dance, and I don’t like dances so much, then what would make it so different (other than the fact that it costs three times as much to go).
Besides actually going through the embarrassment of asking someone to go with me, I see nothing exciting about it. Now, I don’t want to be a complete pessimist, so I guess I’ll consider some reasons why it would be beneficial to go.

-Friends. If the people there are amazing, the party itself could be fun also. Considering everyone will be there, it can’t be too bad.

-Dates. As much as the date is a bad thing, it can also be a good thing. Now me personally, I’ve never asked a guy to anything and I’ve been asked a few times, but when I was asked I never enjoyed myself. My very first “dance date”, whose name started off as Aaron, came out of the closet two weeks after he took me to homecoming (At which he wore the most flamboyant suit). We’re still friends now, but that was possibly the most awkward thing of freshman year.

-After-Parties! This is the main thing that makes me even consider going. I could get a ride to the after parties with my friends. Dances aren’t my thing, but after-parties are completely different. Not to mention it would only be my second limo ride in LIFE (my first being this year).

-The Rebellion. Okay, so this isn’t on most people’s agendas, but whenever my friends and I go to a dance…or whenever my friends drag me to a dance, we do something completely spontaneous, stupid and uncalled for. The last dance (winter dance) it was between a séance in the cemetery and to go see a movie. We ended up seeing a movie during the dance and never really going to the dance. Pity.

So those are the good reasons to go, and the more I think about that last one, the more I’m considering “Yes”. But I’m still unsure. I think the good outweigh the bad in this little scenario.

But then there’s the thought that NOT going would be SO much more fun.  

What should I do?!?!?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Chill?

When it’s been one of those extremely hellish weeks, it’s essential for me to have some ‘chill time’. Testing weeks are always like this for me, and considering they happen just about every two weeks, I am officially a connoisseur at chilling.

Now of course there are the methods of counting to ten and taking deep long breaths- and then there are the ways that are more realistic, and work better for some people. I don’t know about anyone else out there, but inhaling deep breaths just makes me panic even more.  So instead of hyperventilating I try other things such as… Continue reading

Why Use FaceBook?

 
 
Facebook is a site that continues growing daily that was initially meant for the communication and networking of college students. Of course, now that the age group of people that it is accessible to has become more varied, this increases the danger of it, but overall it is a great website for networking and keeping up with old friends.
Things that I would not advise using it for are…
-Dating or any type of relationship outside of friendship
-Stalking
-Gaining Revenge (posting inappropriate photos, sabotage, spreading rumors)
-Intimate wall posts
 
But other than that I really see no flaws in it security wise. Of course there is the blatant trouble of the millions of applications that become a bother. But just as easy as it is to accept them all, you can also ignore them all. INDEFINITELY. So there is a way around the Apps issue. Now along with the good of it there are also the negatives.
 
Many friendships I know have been destroyed over FB. Wall posts remember, are 100% public if you don’t have your profile protected. So don’t be stupid and share an intimate detail such as addresses or numbers of friends on a public page. It puts them in danger and you as well if they ever find out. Also, the ‘relationships’ profile choice, which displays your romantic status and possibly the name of your significant other to all of your friends. Now, clearly anyone who fills this out has either neutral, bad, or good intentions with the information that they put out there.
 
Another thing is that (I know everyone knows this already) but colleges are starting to snoop around on the internet to find dirt on their future attendees. Be careful with the pictures that are posted in the photo albums. Big problem if you and your friends are seen with a goofy smile holding a Sam Adams in one hand and an anonymous red cup in the other hand with people doing lines of coke in the background.
I exaggerate a bit, but in all seriousness I love Facebook as a tool to keep in touch with my friends over those long periods of time when we just get too busy to communicate any other way.

Why Be Shy?

This problem is possibly one of the biggest things that hold people back in life. Being shy is horrible because, believe it or not, most people who are shy… don’t want to be! We want to be just as outgoing as the next person. There’s nothing fun about being inconsequential.

Now it has some up-sides.  Such as… Continue reading

Why Love?

When you are me, this topic is absolutely unavoidable in writing. It’s aggravating, I know. I hate it, but I’m always writing about it because in a way I am helplessly obsessed with the notion of it.

Why does it take so long to find?

Why does it “always feel right”?

How many times can it happen?

Can one love two different people at the same time?

How do you know?

Is it bad if you never know?

What IF you never know?

All of these questions nag at me often, mostly because my love life is so sedentary that I have nothing better to think about. I may have been in love once in my life, and I’m a little bit ashamed to know that the person was someone I should not have loved for many reasons; Most of which I wish not to go into yet.

See, at the time I had no idea that I was in love. It did not hit me like a ton of bricks and leave a large purple bruise on my face, nor did it cause angels to sing a heavenly chorus at the sight of them. It went right past me like a silent breeze, and I even though I felt it, it did not leave anything physical. It slipped through my fingers as though I were clenching water in my fists.

Now I now that it was love because of the impact this individual left in my life. They came in and left fingers prints everywhere. All over my heart especially. The type of love I was in was not the healthy kind though. It was the kind that was not reciprocated. I loved them, but they did not love me. The only way that I could get away from it, and I desperately wanted to, was to pull myself away quickly. It was a disturbing blend of emotions. Elation, desperation, and depression.

I am not completely over the individual, but I am at a much better place than I was. It once got so bad that I lost my appetite for two days because I had slightly offended them. I went to California last summer with too much time to think, and they completely took over my process of thought, interrupting any regular train of thought.

Things have changed.

Now my heart does not jump at the sound of their name

their voice

their laugh, ringing throughout the hallways.

I don’t get envious when I see them with a significant other. I feel something, but not envy. An understanding or happiness perhaps.

I don’t feel ecstatic when they hug me tightly anymore. It reminds me of pain, not joy.

Most of all, I think I can now handle the fact that all of the things I knew from them, about them, have not been the complete truth.