A possible Farewell?

This blog had been dead for so long, I don’t think that it’s possible for me to revive it. In all honesty, if I accomplish this, it would once again fall into obscurity anyhow. Regardless, I’ll post something so that it isn’t wasting useful space on the internet.

I’ve never felt so obligated to post something, and this feeling wont go away until I do. Even if it is my last post.

I’ve lived this entire summer on the two sides of a mirror, able to look at myself and the people that I know. The ones I love, I remembered why I love them. And then at times I questioned why I loved them, knowing that I had no choice in it either way. No matter how annoyed they get with me, or vice versa, it will always be the same. I have to remind myself this as I prepare to confess a devastating truth to them.

In reality, it isn’t all that bad, and for personal reasons I won’t list it here. It made me question my sanity, but now I’ve learned to heavily question the sanity of those around me. My conclusion is that we’re all insane according to some touchstone, some standard that we separately follow. I to you, and you to me. But that is okay. It is fine. I don’t love any less, and neither should you.

All of this to say that my dilemma is not the truth itself. My dilemma is how to present it. It is not something that is easily said over dinner, nor something that can be told in passing. It’s one of those things when the time is never right and the people are never ready for it. Not even me. Yet it seems the longer it remains secret, the bigger ripple it will cause through the world. And with a bigger ripple, the length of time also forms a heavy silence within me. The only way is to let it out, let it pass, and hopefully move on. With that, I bid a possible farewell. At least for a long time until my return. At this moment I don’t really know.

FINALS are here already?

Well, I’m just going to stop apologizing for my delayed posts, because in all actuality, they will probably become more frequent.

This past few weeks has been tough because of the curse that has plagued young people around the world. FINALS. Studying the week before…I do not advice it. Start earlier! Especially if you are incapable of remembering things from four months ago (Like me!)

But this week has been surprisingly low key. Last week was hell week in a very literal sense. I had a lot to do.

-Being in the school play (getting home at 11-o-clock every night)

-Staying up until 1:00 am studying for tests

-Taking tests on 4-5 hours of sleep

-Cast Party (couldn’t go, because I was too tired)

Luckily, my friends and I don’t have a lot of drama going on. Well, actually, there is always some long-running drama, I just choose to ignore it unless they need some sort of support. I’m always the observer and rarely am I ever in the center of the drama. Most times this pleases me, but every once in while I just get bored and infuse myself into the drama. (I know, it’s not right.) 🙂

This is a pathetic excuse for an entry. They’ll get better after this Hell-ish few weeks.

Why Prom?

I am very seriously considering the possibility of not going to Prom. I see no point in it. If it’s just like an ordinary dance, and I don’t like dances so much, then what would make it so different (other than the fact that it costs three times as much to go).

Besides actually going through the embarrassment of asking someone to go with me, I see nothing exciting about it. Now, I don’t want to be a complete pessimist, so I guess I’ll consider some reasons why it would be beneficial to go.

-Friends. If the people there are amazing, the party itself could be fun also. Considering everyone will be there, it can’t be too bad.

-Dates. As much as the date is a bad thing, it can also be a good thing. Now me personally, I’ve never asked a guy to anything and I’ve been asked a few times, but when I was asked I never enjoyed myself. My very first “dance date”, whose name started off as Aaron, came out of the closet two weeks after he took me to homecoming (At which he wore the most flamboyant suit). We’re still friends now, but that was possibly the most awkward thing of freshman year.

-After-Parties! This is the main thing that makes me even consider going. I could get a ride to the after parties with my friends. Dances aren’t my thing, but after-parties are completely different. Not to mention it would only be my second limo ride in LIFE (my first being this year).

-The Rebellion. Okay, so this isn’t on most people’s agendas, but whenever my friends and I go to a dance…or whenever my friends drag me to a dance, we do something completely spontaneous, stupid and uncalled for. The last dance (winter dance) it was between a séance in the cemetery and to go see a movie. We ended up seeing a movie during the dance and never really going to the dance. Pity.

So those are the good reasons to go, and the more I think about that last one, the more I’m considering “Yes”. But I’m still unsure. I think the good outweigh the bad in this little scenario.

But then there’s the thought that NOT going would be SO much more fun.  

What should I do?!?!?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Chill?

When it’s been one of those extremely hellish weeks, it’s essential for me to have some ‘chill time’. Testing weeks are always like this for me, and considering they happen just about every two weeks, I am officially a connoisseur at chilling.

Now of course there are the methods of counting to ten and taking deep long breaths- and then there are the ways that are more realistic, and work better for some people. I don’t know about anyone else out there, but inhaling deep breaths just makes me panic even more.  So instead of hyperventilating I try other things such as…

Why Use FaceBook?

 

 

Facebook is a site that continues growing daily that was initially meant for the communication and networking of college students. Of course, now that the age group of people that it is accessible to has become more varied, this increases the danger of it, but overall it is a great website for networking and keeping up with old friends.

Things that I would not advise using it for are…

-Dating or any type of relationship outside of friendship

-Stalking

-Gaining Revenge (posting inappropriate photos, sabotage, spreading rumors)

-Intimate wall posts

 

But other than that I really see no flaws in it security wise. Of course there is the blatant trouble of the millions of applications that become a bother. But just as easy as it is to accept them all, you can also ignore them all. INDEFINITELY. So there is a way around the Apps issue. Now along with the good of it there are also the negatives.

 

Many friendships I know have been destroyed over FB. Wall posts remember, are 100% public if you don’t have your profile protected. So don’t be stupid and share an intimate detail such as addresses or numbers of friends on a public page. It puts them in danger and you as well if they ever find out. Also, the ‘relationships’ profile choice, which displays your romantic status and possibly the name of your significant other to all of your friends. Now, clearly anyone who fills this out has either neutral, bad, or good intentions with the information that they put out there.

 

Another thing is that (I know everyone knows this already) but colleges are starting to snoop around on the internet to find dirt on their future attendees. Be careful with the pictures that are posted in the photo albums. Big problem if you and your friends are seen with a goofy smile holding a Sam Adams in one hand and an anonymous red cup in the other hand with people doing lines of coke in the background.

I exaggerate a bit, but in all seriousness I love Facebook as a tool to keep in touch with my friends over those long periods of time when we just get too busy to communicate any other way.

Why Be Shy?

This problem is possibly one of the biggest things that hold people back in life. Being shy is horrible because, believe it or not, most people who are shy… don’t want to be! We want to be just as outgoing as the next person. There’s nothing fun about being inconsequential.

Now it has some up-sides.  Such as…

Why Love?

When you are me, this topic is absolutely unavoidable in writing. It’s aggravating, I know. I hate it, but I’m always writing about it because in a way I am helplessly obsessed with the notion of it.

Why does it take so long to find?

Why does it “always feel right”?

How many times can it happen?

Can one love two different people at the same time?

How do you know?

Is it bad if you never know?

What IF you never know?

All of these questions nag at me often, mostly because my love life is so sedentary that I have nothing better to think about. I may have been in love once in my life, and I’m a little bit ashamed to know that the person was someone I should not have loved for many reasons; Most of which I wish not to go into yet.

See, at the time I had no idea that I was in love. It did not hit me like a ton of bricks and leave a large purple bruise on my face, nor did it cause angels to sing a heavenly chorus at the sight of them. It went right past me like a silent breeze, and I even though I felt it, it did not leave anything physical. It slipped through my fingers as though I were clenching water in my fists.

Now I now that it was love because of the impact this individual left in my life. They came in and left fingers prints everywhere. All over my heart especially. The type of love I was in was not the healthy kind though. It was the kind that was not reciprocated. I loved them, but they did not love me. The only way that I could get away from it, and I desperately wanted to, was to pull myself away quickly. It was a disturbing blend of emotions. Elation, desperation, and depression.

I am not completely over the individual, but I am at a much better place than I was. It once got so bad that I lost my appetite for two days because I had slightly offended them. I went to California last summer with too much time to think, and they completely took over my process of thought, interrupting any regular train of thought.

Things have changed.

Now my heart does not jump at the sound of their name

their voice

their laugh, ringing throughout the hallways.

I don’t get envious when I see them with a significant other. I feel something, but not envy. An understanding or happiness perhaps.

I don’t feel ecstatic when they hug me tightly anymore. It reminds me of pain, not joy.

Most of all, I think I can now handle the fact that all of the things I knew from them, about them, have not been the complete truth.

Why Be Organized?

It’s a little unbelievable to me that I managed to successfully organize something for my friends and I to do tomorrow. Now, granted that we are not completely in sync on the details, there is still open room for disaster. ‘Horton Hears a Who’ has disaster written all over it, but we’ll give it a shot.

(I’m not sure why I chose this particular movie. I guess I was sort of suggesting it as a joke last Saturday when I was sitting around aimlessly talking to my friends online. It popped up and here we are, going to see it tomorrow.)

I’m really excited not because of the movie. I’m just really glad for the opportunity to hang out with them. It seems that today all of this technology has created distance between the younger generation, yet at the same time I guess it connects us at a different level.
I’m one of those types of people who hates talking on the phone with people because of the five minute conversation gaps when your friend is watching Gossip Girl. I prefer face to face, in person communication…so my friends are always upset that I don’t call them. IT’S NOT MY THING GUYS. sorry.

I can’t text message because my dad would shoot me in the face and take something more precious than life away (like my computer). I do like AIM, but not everyone has a screenname and it’s only fun for like…an hour unless you have a really intense conversation, which is almost impossible with the lack of emotion in conversational instant messaging.

Why Make A Blog?

The reasons that I decided to create this blog, which no one will really see.
+ I had only one blog that I really stuck to, and although no one reads them I find it liberating to be able to write abstractly about things that effect me.
+ I’m a writer, so any practice I can get will ultimately help me.
+ I don’t really have a best friend with whom I could share these feelings, descriptions, and expectations of life.
+ Don’t get me wrong, I have friends. But I haven’t had a “Bestie” since seventh grade. I am now in 11th and it really sort of sucks.
+ I’m not on here looking for friendship, but any sign that someone out there is reading is exciting.
+ I’m thinking perhaps I shouldn’t begin my postings with something like this.

I wanted to do something different, but I do intend to explain the title of the blog.

The title means a lot to me, because of it’s metaphorical meaning. I can not assume anything about the reader’s intellegence, therefore I will put the definition of Touchstone to possibly remind, reassure, introduce, or refresh.

Touchstone: 1 : a black siliceous stone related to flint and formerly used to test the purity of gold and silver by the streak left on the stone when rubbed by the metal 2 : a test or criterion for determining the quality or genuineness of a thing 3 : a fundamental or quintessential part or feature.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/touchstone

Now as the touchstone can identify genuineness, it is important that people are also able to distinguish the true quality of the things in life. Although something may look dazzling, sparkling with the glint of newly polished gold, there can be much deceptiveness in it. It can be wrapped in a tainted aura that can only be decieved by the touchstone, and at times these things are hard to catch.
It is beneficial for people to have such an insight on their own lives. Elements that surround them daily are the pieces of gold and silver constantly in question, and our better judgement is the touchstone, black and heavy with a secret knowlegde. It is something that can not be imitated. By writing things out I find my own tablet of touchstone, and I am better able to assess happenings that occur daily.

Of course it is rare that one finds pure gold. But just as 24 carats of gold are charming, a single carat looks just as elegant.